Rules:
-Must not be racist !
-Don't Go overboard on the swearing.
-Remember the flaming rule still applys here
Have fun
~Looted
[Threads Merged & Edited By Bobbert]
|
Rules:
-Must not be racist !
-Don't Go overboard on the swearing.
-Remember the flaming rule still applys here
Have fun
~Looted
[Threads Merged & Edited By Bobbert]
Last edited by David; 06-20-2008 at 08:44 PM.
Thats Pretty Retarded...
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
Dont have a Tantrum for being de repped
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks the keeper "excuthe me sir hafe you got a wunny wannit?"the shop keeper's heart melts he bends down and gets on he's knees and says" would you like a widdle bwack won, a thoft white won or a widdle bwown one."
the little girl blushes,rocks on her heels,leans foward with her hands on her knees and whispers "i dont weally tink my pyfon gives a fwuck"
90% of chaves said they have had sex in the shower, the other 10% said they havent been in prison yet.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. "Hello?"
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"
The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.
(Keep reading, it gets better.)
One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
first!"
The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.
The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
off the evening news!
rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl i ****ed me self rofl
a lady goes into a petshop and said "can i buy a parrot" the assistant says "yes this one is £100,this one is £400 and this 1 is £15" she said "why is the last one £15" the assistant replied "he worked in a bar" "ILL BUY IT" she says.
when she gets home the parrot says "**** me a new bar" the lady laughes
when her girls get home the parrot says: "**** me 2 new prozzies" they laughed
when the dad gets home the parrot says "**** me tim, i havent seen u in weeks"
Well...
Theres a Blonde in Year 1. At school today she Learned the Alphabet. She ran home to her mum and Said to her " Mummy, Mummy At school i said all the letters Up to G but all the others in the Class did it up to E" Her mum Said "Well done" The Blonde said "isit because im Blonde" and the Mum replied "yes Darling"
The Next day the Blonde went to school and they started running. She ran home to her Mum and Said to her "Mummy, Mummy At school i Ran the furthest without getting out of breathe in the WHOOLEEEE CLASS!!" Her Mum said " Well done" The blonde said "isit because im Blonde" and the mum replied "yes Darling"
The next day the Blonde went to school And they had Gym Class. She Ran home to her Mum And said to her "Mummy Mummy, At school today i was in the showers at School, All the over girls where Flat Chested and i have 36 DD's!!" Her mum said" i know darling" Then the Blonde said "isit because im Blonde?" and the mum replied "No Darling..... Your 24"
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