I have found a few funny quotes, Jokes (some may not be) and decided to post them.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
-- Demetri Martin
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
-- Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
-- Harry Hill
I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me.
-- N/A
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"
-- Milton Berle
I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb.
-- Scott Roeben
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
-- Steven Wright
Roger Ebert has had his right thumb trademarked. Now the police will actually have to pay him if he ever has to give a thumbprint.
-- Andy Waits
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
-- Ronnie Corbett
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-- Billy Connolly
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
-- Harry Hill
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-- Oscar Levant
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
-- Les Dawson
Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.
-- N/A
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
-- Tommy Cooper (the best one lol)
Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
-- Mike Wilmot
When the girlfriend and I get in an argument, I begin to see in flying saucers...and plates, pots, mugs...
-- Robert Paul
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
-- Eric Morecambe
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
-- Tommy Cooper
Post any Jokes/Quotes you like