Thread: Funny Quotes and jokes

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  1. #1 Funny Quotes and jokes 
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    I have found a few funny quotes, Jokes (some may not be) and decided to post them.



    I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
    -- Demetri Martin


    The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
    -- Albert Einstein


    Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
    -- Albert Einstein


    I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
    -- Harry Hill


    I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me.
    -- N/A


    A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
    "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"
    -- Milton Berle


    I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb.
    -- Scott Roeben


    I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
    -- Steven Wright


    Roger Ebert has had his right thumb trademarked. Now the police will actually have to pay him if he ever has to give a thumbprint.
    -- Andy Waits


    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
    -- Dennis Miller


    A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
    -- Ronnie Corbett


    Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
    -- Billy Connolly


    Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
    -- Harry Hill


    Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
    -- Oscar Levant


    I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
    -- Les Dawson


    Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.
    -- N/A

    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
    -- Tommy Cooper (the best one lol)


    Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
    -- Mike Wilmot


    When the girlfriend and I get in an argument, I begin to see in flying saucers...and plates, pots, mugs...
    -- Robert Paul


    My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
    -- Eric Morecambe


    You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
    -- Tommy Cooper

    Post any Jokes/Quotes you like
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  2. #2  
    Ardy3231
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    Some of those actually made me smile. I dont' really have any jokes though.
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  3. #3  
    Torag
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    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
    -- Tommy Cooper (the best one lol)

    Thats amazing
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  4. #4  
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    Those are some champion quotes, I love them. Got any more?
    Ex-super moderator of Rune-Server.org and RSBot.org
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  5. #5  
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    Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.


    Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped. (i'm a male but it still made me laugh)


    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


    Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!


    There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.


    When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. (best one)


    Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
    -- The Simpsons


    You laugh because I'm different...........
    I laugh cause I just farted!


    What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
    'Hold my purse.'


    Men are like bank accounts.
    Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.


    What you call dog with no legs?
    Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.


    You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
    -- The Simpsons

    Thats all i can post atm i have to go...i will post more later
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  6. #6  
    hmu

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    haha wow so corny =X

    but funny stuff.
    to contact me, PM me on rune-server.
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  7. #7  
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  8. #8  
    foxy07
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    Thanks - lol - Some Absolute grate ones in there :O LOL
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