Thread: My Story :D

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  1. #1 My Story :D 
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    Wrote this in 9th Grade. Tell me how it was and any advice. I haven't read it myself in over a year. Without further due, here it is:



    Picture the scene. A boy, 14ish twiddling his .07 led pencil between his index and middle fingers almost expertly. That boy, sitting in the room of education looks around in his desk towards the front of the room. The teacher, leaning for support on her cane, cranes her rubber neck to confirm the reoccurring suspicion that her disciples are not causing mischief in her classroom. The teacher, after becoming satisfied with her search, returns to her lessons on the French Revolution. The boy, after being under the scrutiny of the cursed teacher, restores his attention to his all important task of pencil twiddling. In between twiddles, it seems as if his fingers freeze more and more. The dangerous thought of frozen fingers enforces his reoccurring decision to zip up his jacket to escape the cool airs of winter. The teacher, preaching to class about the March of Versailles, notices the boy seemingly not paying attention, but she is not bothered, as she knows that even if this boy is seemingly not paying to her lessons, he is memorizing important information such as the 40 thousand casualties of the revolution. To the inattentive eye, this boy, is in his own galaxy. However, an eye, and only an eye that could notice and record the subtle happenings of his surroundings, would catch the way this boy moves is not one of a boy who is helplessly lost in his own world. The eye would catch that the way this boy focuses, is similar to one of the “straight A nerds” of the room. The owner of the eye, would after mulling over information would come to see that this boy is miraculously focusing on the lesson. How could this be though? History is boring, right? This boy, mysterious boy, is actually remembering facts that the teacher is spoon feeding the classroom. This boy could be known by the class as the jokester, however, they would recognize him as the history loving jokester. To the reader, whoever this reader is, most likely have come to the conclusion that the boy mentioned and I are one and the same. The assumption would be correct as my math teacher would say. To the readers who are sometimes labeled as “not the sharpest knife”, yes, I am that boy. The question may be asked, how could I like history? To answer that, I would tell the questioner that even though I always had a healthy interest in history, an experience in my life caused deeper inquiring in the versatile subject of history. The great pyramids are one of the wonders of the world. What could a young kid experiencing the pyramids do to him? I wonder.

    It was early September, as hot as can be in Egypt, and it seems as dirty as it could be too. My brother, dad, grandma, and I had to face the horrendous task of crossing a busy road. There was always something in our way, whether it be dirt trying to create a shelter on our clothes, all important taxi drivers, self-conscious horse riders, or the puddle filled with mysterious contents. After escaping the road, we check to make sure we didn’t somehow get a stain on our clothes. My grandma checks her black coat, shirt, pants, and her scarf that shows she is Muslim. All of which do nothing to but compliment the wrinkles that adorned her face. My dad inspects his green shirt while hoping nothing light got onto his darker shorts. Slicking his curly hair back, he takes a look at my brother. Adam; my brother, seems to have somehow gotten some dirt on the white lining of his red shorts. Thankfully, it didn’t go as far as to land on his grey shirt. After we checked ourselves, and in Adams case, cleaned himself, we walked through a fence.

    Through the fence, it was as if we stepped in a whole different world. We stepped off of granite and onto sand. Off the left, I saw other tourists talking with someone about renting some horses to ride around a trail. Looking back, I heard my dad haggling with someone else about renting some horses and a carriage for my grandma. After getting our horses, and in my grandmas case, a carriage, it was time to go. Of course, never riding a horse before caused me a bit of trouble getting on. Once we got rolling, I can look back and say I lost my breath at least a few times. Golden sand hugged the pyramids so well. The sun peeked right over the biggest pyramid, which I later learned was named the Great Pyramid of Giza. Trying to inspect a pyramid from so far away, I thought that each block used was at least as long as 2 doors put together! Some parts of the blocks were chipped off. We passed by a couple taking pictures on a fractured pyramid. Each pyramid looked so fragile, yet so determined to stay up as long as they could. Taking a majestic trip to a pyramid, they asked us if we wanted to go in. Of course, we said yes! Who would pass up the opportunity to go in one of the few pyramids!

    Getting ready to go in the pyramid, I was a bit hesitant at first. It is one of the oldest things still standing, It could fall anytime! Bending low to fit through the doorway, we look down with little lighting we had. There were two ropes going parallel to each other all the way to the floor. On the way down, it was smooth except for little bricks for us to keep our footing at. Getting down was fun in itself. We cracked so many jokes about everything we could think of. Finally having our feet touch something solid, I felt an immediate different in the air. It was as if all the air was sucked out of the room, and there was just a tiny holy for air flow. Which, essentially there was. Taking my mind of the subject of air I take a moment to look around. Everything was a grey color. The walls were smooth, as if sand was hardened together. Our feet glided across the floor. It made me stop and think for a second, how was this possible back in their time? How did they build this? What was used? Why a pyramid? These questions raced through my head as I struggled to think of an answer to ease the thoughts in my mind. After a while, I decided to come back to them and enjoy the wonderful opportunity I had. Stepping into a bigger room, one has to think what all this space was used for? I remember sitting down for a few minutes and just imagining the process and how it was all that time ago. All of us were left speechless. There was a silence in the room, but it wasn’t awkward. It was an “I am so amazed I cannot think of anything to say” silence, and it wasn’t unwelcomed. Deciding that we wanted some fresh air and sun, we tearfully decided to go back outside. The climb up was still fun. I remember hitting my head on the roof many times. I was probably only 5’2 as well!

    Getting back outside was like sitting in a jacuzzi for 10 minutes, then jumping in a cool pool. It was as if we came back to earth from a 30 minute break. I remember while getting back on my horse, thinking to myself that going inside was the high of our journey today, and everything else would just be as if I was a zombie, still traumatized from the experience. Even during the horse ride back, I was still dazed. My mind was still pondering about life thousands of years ago. I didn’t even care I got the dreaded dirt on my shorts while getting a taxi to get back to our hotel. During that night’s rest, my dreams were dreams of a kind I have never experienced before.
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  2. #2  
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    Don't say 14ish lol. Say a boy around 14.

    OT: Create and decent, thanks for sharing lad.
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  3. #3  
    Registered Member Plasmetic's Avatar
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    Not half bad. Though, here's some changes I personally would do (not saying you should or it's bad if you don't)

    I advise fixing:
    Code:
    Off the left
    with:
    Code:
    Off to the left. OR To the left of us.
    I'd change:
    Code:
    Getting ready to go in the pyramid, I was a bit hesitant at first.
    to:
    Code:
    After getting prepared, I was a bit hesitant to enter the pyramid.
    I'd fix:
    Code:
    Getting back outside was like sitting in a jacuzzi for 10 minutes, then jumping in a cool pool.
    with:
    Code:
    Going back outside was like jumping into a pool right after being in a Jacuzzi for an hour.

    Either way man, great job. It's unique, well structured (for the most part) and there are very few errors. Gratz mate
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