Thread: The Limits of Flesh & Blood

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  1. #1 The Limits of Flesh & Blood 

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    Zexillium's Avatar
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    Spent some time writing this the last 2-3 days. Feel free to give me pointers if you find any areas of improvement.
    Google Documents: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...it?usp=sharing

    Spoiler for Full Read:
    The Limits of Flesh & Blood
    Rayper was carefully looking into a mechanism emitting a thin ray of light right into his left eye. The smell of burning flesh no longer bothered him.
    He did not wince. Not even once. Instead he felt a sense of achievement as he fixed a small and circular metal apparatus on his pupil. It sat perfectly, slowly rotating and giving him tremendous vision that no human eye could afford.

    The sound of children shouting distracted Rayper for a slight second, but that was all that he needed. It was rare that children travelled down the rotten borders of Amphersty.
    The air had been polluted for so long, that the citizens barely even remembered its cause. He had chosen this location for that very purpose. To not be disturbed.

    Rising from his chair, he adjusted a silver crown on his irdioscope. He could now see the whole street outside of his laboratory, straight through its metal walls. Multiple children were pushing a malnourished child through his metal gates.

    “I highly doubt that Ralph will last for longer than a minute,” said a tall girl with blonde hair.

    “Hah! I’m willing to bet that he will return with a brass arm. Even better, a bronze head! He could use that with all the lack of brain cells that he’s got!” said a girl with a silver glasses

    “No! Let me go! I don’t want to go in there! Please!” said the young and malnourished boy.

    He was being held by a hefty boy who was holding him by the neck. “You better return with something we can sell, or your mum is going to be in a lot of trouble,” he said as he pushed the boy onto the dirty pavement in front of the door.

    The group split, with everyone hiding behind an object like a rotten keg or the ancient well. The young boy trembled as he approached the metal door. He carefully rang the bell three times before stepping back and anxiously waiting.

    Rayper took a deep breath and sighed. He pulled on a lever that gently opened the door. The young boy cautiously walked in, amazed by all the things he saw. The laboratory seemed awfully large,
    with many tables stacked with things he had never seen before. Glass jars containing organic and metal organs floating up and down, a pair of lungs that seemed to lay still but suddenly pumped at the speed of light.
    Dozens of robotic automatons stood motionless along the walls, as if they were ready to terminate whatever threat stepped into the room. The boy was frightened, Rayper could feel it.
    But to him his laboratory was nothing but creative wonders that were made to improve the world.

    The boy’s eyes widened in fear as he saw Rayper sit in a metal chair, toying around with a mouse that seemed to have teeth sharper than a silver nail.

    “You will not learn anything from being afraid,” said Rayper. “But if you hand me that chisel made of very delicate bones then I might teach you a thing or two.”

    A shaking hand reached for the chisel, as the boy walked to hand it over. “Thank you,” said Rayper, as he used it to form out a ball out of a square clump of silica gel.
    Rayper heard the boys heart, which was beating at an above normal rate. “I’m extracting a slice of silica gel in order to solidify the formula which I shall use to repair the twisting flexor londus - Ahm, the damaged sensors in
    my right leg,” Rayper said as he plumped the silica gel into a vial which he shook until it dissolved with the other liquids. “Want to see?” he asked.

    The boy nervously gulped as he nodded in agreement. Rayper opened a jack in his right leg and carefully poured the liquid in. His legs started to violently vibrate, as Rayper held it down with his two hands.
    “Does it hurt?”, the boy asked. “No,” said Rapier. “When one eliminates the aspects of fear and pain, it becomes a lot more bearable.” Rayper stood up and walked over to another table.

    “Why did you do that?”, the boy asked. “Did your legs not function as fine as it was?”

    “Do you know what humanity’s greatest weakness is?”

    “No”, said the boy.

    “Humans disregard the unending unendingness of potential outcomes for keeping up the norm”

    The boy looked down at the ground, and then back up at Rayper with a confused look on his face.

    “People fear change”, Rayper said. “They settle for less when infinity and beyond is at their feet.”

    Rapier walked over to another table, which had two jars with white liquid floating around. He opened one of them, and poured it out into two crystal glasses. “Would you like some?”, he asked the boy.
    “You’re not going to chop my head off and replace it with a bronze tincan?”, the boy responded. “Haha, no of course not,” Rayper said. “This is a glass of sweetened milk, a weakness of mine but I have always enjoyed the flavour.”

    He walked over and handed the boy a glass of milk, as they both sat down in chairs opposing one another. “Is that what everyone thinks of me these days?”, Rapier asked the boy.
    “That I’m a crazy lunatic that does nothing but instill fear into the minds of others?”

    “Pretty much”, said the boy. “I heard one kid got his head replaced because his coughing was so loud that it woke you up during the nights”.

    “From where did you get this information? Was it told to you directly?”, Rayper curiously asked. “No”, said the boy. “It was from Bourghna, the neighbor of my sister's friend”.

    “Ah. Well in that case.” Rayper said. The boy gulped down the milk. He wiped the remains off the top of his lip as he turned to look towards the door from which he entered.
    “Do you know if the others are still waiting for me on the outside?” the young boy asked. Rayper adjusted his lens to examine the surroundings. To his surprise, they were still waiting.

    “Indeed they are,” Rayper said. “Do you wish to scare them off?” The boy’s eyes lit up, and he nodded. Rayper handed him a sonophone and said, “Scream as loud as you can into this.”

    The boy gave an exaggerated, blood-curdling shriek into the sonophone. It echoed along the street, and the other children jumped in terror, quickly scattering to hide. The boy looked at Rayper as they both grinned.

    "I find that dread is as a general rule a restricting feeling," said Rayper. "For instance, disclose to me something that alarms you."

    “The barons. The ones that are accounted for as the heads of our city.”

    “The barons are dreaded in light of the fact that they venture a demeanor of strength and frequently the danger of viciousness. On the off chance that nobody dreaded them, individuals would confront them. And afterward where might their capacity go?”

    “Uuuuh….”

    “Exactly. It would all go away. Consider the number of barons that exist in contrast with the number of individuals who live in Amphersty. Dread is utilized by a powerful few in order to control the weak because they understand how it works.
    If someone knows how to manipulate your emotions, they have the key to controlling you.”

    “I guess that’s true”, the boy said. “But I am still afraid of them”.

    “Well of course you are! You have been raised alongside that fear, and it has drilled its way down to your core. Steel, however, has no such weakness.”

    Rayper retrieved a vial containing a pulsating yellow liquid that seemed to radiate a slight glow. “This is where I might help you, if you are willing to accept it,” Rayper said. “This is what I call the demotionator, It eliminates fear altogether. I could let you try it out for a while.”

    “How long does it last?” asked the boy. “Oh not long. Only about twenty minutes. Thereafter it will slowly lose its effect. You should have your fear set back to normal by then.”

    “Are you sure it is not permanent?”, asked the boy in hesitation. “I am, that is the effect of this mix. You will find that while you are unafraid, your companions out there will lose their hold over you.
    If you would like, you could always return to me for the permanent solution.”

    The boy thought about it. After a second he gestured to Rayper, who embedded a dainty needle into the vial and infused one of the silver dabs into the skin behind his ear.

    The boy shivered for a second. At that point he smiled. "Do you feel your fear disappearing?" Rayper asked. "Goodness yes," said the boy. Rayper strolled him to the door and pulled a lever to open it before waving him out.
    "Keep in mind, you can return on the off chance that you wish a more permanent arrangement."

    The street was empty, but as soon as the boy walked out his companions emerged.

    “Did you bring anything with you?”, asked the tall girl with blonde hair

    “This loser didn’t even find the courage to speak! You’re pathetic!”, said a boy with red freckles on his face.

    A hefty boy emerged amongst the flock. “Looks like we’ll have to punish him. Afterall, we did promise him a new body part.”

    “Don’t you dare touch me”, said Ralph. The hefty bully reached for Ralph’s neck, but Ralph quickly punched him in the nose. Blood streamed from it. “Grab him!”, screamed the bully in pain. But no one of his companions did it.
    Ralph stepped towards the bullies, with fists raised in a fighting stance. They stepped back. “Either you all fight me, or you get the bloody hell away from me”, he said.

    The bullies looked at each other, and then made a run for it. Rayper shut his iridoscope and went back to his work. He extended the fingers to grab his recently fixed leg and slowly tapped the ground with his foot as he smiled in marvellous satisfaction.
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  3. #2  
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    Rowley's Avatar
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    Pretty good read!

    I noticed a couple things, sometimes the adverbs get repetitive. For example, "slowly" is used in quick succession here;

    "Rayper took a deep breath and sighed. He pulled on a lever that slowly opened the door. The young boy slowly walked in"

    I'm no creative writer, but to me it sounds a bit repetitive. None the less, good work!
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    Zexillium's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rowley View Post
    Pretty good read!

    I noticed a couple things, sometimes the adverbs get repetitive. For example, "slowly" is used in quick succession here;

    "Rayper took a deep breath and sighed. He pulled on a lever that slowly opened the door. The young boy slowly walked in"

    I'm no creative writer, but to me it sounds a bit repetitive. None the less, good work!
    Thank you. Good catch! I spent most of my time writing it during those 2-3 days so I got quite blind after re-reading it over ten times .
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  6. #4  
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    Enjoyable read Your use of descriptive language really captivated me
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